Saturday, March 29, 2008

When grandma goes to court. . .

A friend sent me this story and picture and I thought it was really funny--so I'm posting it on my blog:

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Now that's a granny who knows her stuff!

Friday, March 28, 2008

I got an AWARD! . . . . . well, sort of. . .

Hey! I'm ecstatic! I mean, I'm kinda excited about this in a fairly nonchalant way.

I had a good friend e-mail me and tell me that I should win an EXCELLENT BLOGGER award or something! They even went so far as to send me this little award through my e-mail system so that I could copy it and print it out on my blog. WOOHOO!

Here it is--right over there -------->

How cool is that?

OK--well, it IS a bit biased as it came from a good friend (who apparently likes me too much to know any better)

And it didn't come with a HUGE CHECK or a dream vacation or a new car or anything like that. . . but HEY! It DID make my day! And I am proud to say that I think I am almost in the double digits for those loyal souls who somehow manage to find themselves reading my blog!

So thank you to my friend--and thanks to any family, friends, enemies, strangers, and any other poor souls who accidentally stumble on to this blog and find themselves too tired, captivated, or without proper knowledge to navigate their way out of it!

I couldn't have done this without you!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Under Construction. . .

Well. . . it's that time of year again. . . (at least it is in my house) You know, the time when you are ready to throw out the old, decaying, dried-up, used-up stuff and begin the process of collecting NEW stuff (that will become dried-up and used about the same time next year)!

We took it to the EXTREME this year. I mean we really went a bit overboard. Instead of the typical 'spring cleaning' we decided to refurbish and remodel the whole stinkin' house! Oh YES! Our motto has now become: Out with the old. . . IN WITH THE NEW!

So the ole' homestead is totally under construction right now.

Or rather, should I say. . . Reconstruction.

Perhaps even. . . Deconstruction!

If any of you have done any type of remodeling you will understand where I am coming from. I am living in complete chaos! My house is a total MESS. . . I am just trying to stay afloat above the mounds of dust, paint, chemicals, equipment, tarps, cleaning supplies and other wreckage and JUNK that abounds in and around our domicile.

I try to mentally visit my 'happy place' each and every day as I wend my way down the stairs through the mountains of THINGS that are to be donated, given away and thrown to the wolves. . .

I cheerily greet my construction workers (home wreckers) that arrive early each morning to tear up more things in my house with promises that it will be all put back together soon and it will look FANTASGREAT when it's completed!

The 'few days' that this has been going on is now stretching out into weeks---and I have a sneaking suspicion that it will end up taking MONTHS if not years, for the estate to be put back to rights. . . but we are too far gone now to turn back.

Each day brings some new disaster that must be dealt with and a new 'estimate' must be given and the wallet must be reached into deeper to make sure there's enough lovely GREEN STUFF to cover the costs. . .

And amazingly enough, since we started these high-minded lovely 'projects' to make our home a Heaven and more aesthetically pleasant to the eye, things have been mysteriously breaking down. I mean, our major appliances have decided to go on strike and not work properly since we began the 'remodel' and even the office computer and audio equipment has decided to call it quits until we can update and fix and repair all the problems that keep occurring with them. WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

I mean--even our lights don't work properly now!!!!

Dear hubby and I are thinking that we have somehow now been transported into that Shelly Long movie: 'The Money Pit' and wonder WHAT HAVE WE DONE? What monster have we created?

Although, dear hubby has really gotten into the spirit of things since the kitchen and family room are all being razed to the ground and torn apart. . . he decides to make it a trifecta and suggests we get someone in to work on the living room fireplace. (even though that is the ONE room in the house that still remains pristine and untouched) and nothing seems to be wrong with it. . . yet.

So for now---I am UNDER CONSTRUCTION and I am told I just need to 'go with the flow' and be brave. There are always unforeseen 'occurances' that will drag out the process a bit longer and unplanned items that must be purchased that were not in the original bid. . . but are definitely necessary. . . and every time I do something like this I tell myself---MAN! That was UNBELIEVABLE! I'm glad we did it--but I'm NEVER going to do that again! And wouldn't you know it--I wind up forgetting just how painful and unendurable it was and years down the road--I wind up doing it again! (THEN when the workers come to knock down the first wall, I suddenly remember)

You know. . . it was the exact same thing with each of my four children. I kept saying: 'NEVER AGAIN!' (and I wound up with FOUR of them!) Go figure!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Happy Easter!

Well! Well! Well! It's EASTER already! How did that happen so fast. . . .?

I am frantically trying to get stuff ready so that I won't be caught unawares come this Sunday when the family gets together for the traditional Easter Dinner and annual Easter Auction. . .

For the past several years, since my children have gotten MUCH older and are out of the 'egg-hunting' stage, I have tried to come up with inventive ways to make sure they get their fill of fun and sweets with that marvelous invention: 'Easter Candy'

I have done 'Easter Pinatas', 'Easter Scavenger Hunts'. . . and the most infamous and best loved by both old and young has been my 'Easter Auction' which is the most requested and by far the most successful of any of the 'Easter Activities' I have come up with. In fact, my oldest son, who just got married a few months ago and is about to graduate from college, called me up and asked me if I could postpone the 'Easter Auction' until he and his wife could come visit us this summer. . .

When I proposed this change to my youngest son, he was aghast at such a suggestion--and just pointed out the fact, that I could actually have TWO. One at Easter (so that he could participate in it in his usual 'get-everything-you-can-get-your-hands-on' style)--and one in the summer when middle son and oldest son will both be back home again.

My son-in-law has told me repeatedly that this is one of his most favorite things that we do--and he actually works his vacation and holiday schedule around this tradition--so that he can be here to participate in it. . .

So apparently we will hold another annual 'Easter Auction' this weekend--so as not to disappoint the remaining family members. (Besides, I don't want to have a mutiny on my hands)

My two little grandsons are getting old enough to participate and will have their own Easter items to bid on this year--so there will be a new twist as I am going to favor those little tots and have to keep the adults in check! In fact, young Max who is not quite 2 made his own little Easter concoction out of his Mr. Potato Head toy--VERY adorable. . . and I am hoping he will put it up for auction so I can bid on it. I am enjoying the fact, that since he could not find any eyebrows to complete the face--he did what any good plastic surgeon would do--just use a discarded nose!

Here's wishing all my blogger fans a joyous celebration this weekend!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Yoga. . .not just for wimps.

I am trying to get back into shape. . . and have turned to the discipline of 'YOGA'

By way of explanation, I am a baby boomer and a child of the 60's--so I remember the days when yoga was a psychedelic experience best left to the granola-munching flower children. . .

It has now evolved into the back-breaking, sweat-inducing, joint-dislocating, specialized clothes wearing experience truly fit for a top athlete of the 21st century.

Let me go over some of the 'postures' I've mastered and what this has done for my body and overall health. . .

I usually try and start my day with:

1) 'Reaching Tall For Pain Meds' This pose is done to enhance the rest of the experience of the remaining poses. (be sure and down 3 or 4 pills before starting any other postures. . . Oh! And drink lots of water)

This is followed by:

2) 'Dying Chicken Comes Home To Roost' If you pull your leg up beyond your back, just before you hit the floor, you will minimize the amount of bones broken as well as not have to take so many pain meds AFTER your yoga workout.

Next comes the not to be forgotten:
3) 'Assume The Position And Kiss Your Feet Goodbye' This not only helps you 'break wind' it also gives you a great view of any particles of matter left over from the previous day's yoga workout.

And I NEVER feel completely satisfied unless I've practiced:
4) 'Waving Hello To Ancestors' This pose is also known as 'Go Towards The Light' and can be practiced in this stance as well: What you will find after prolonged use of this posture is a yearning for the life beyond--or anything to get you out of the extreme agony of not being able to feel your legs and the vice-like constriction that surrounds your lungs and chest muscles.

Just before I finally collapse to the earth (if I've made it this far) I always find time for:
5) 'Squatting On The Can' Which is a definite plus if you ever want to be able to sit down again or use the toilet on your own after any intense yoga experience.

This is painfully followed by:
6) 'Wobbly Table Now Serving Three' Which you can actually do with either leg. Just choose the one that isn't tingling and still has some feeling left.

We must not forget the all important:
7) 'Building A Bridge Of Broken Limbs' Which can be easily accomplished with any remaining movable limbs that are left--as well as using opposable thumbs. If you are really feeling 'frisky' you can also do it this way--after consulting a neighbor and borrowing extra body parts.

And FINALLY I always end my Yoga workout with:
8) 'Body Lies Dead On Floor' This is the most relaxing and satisfying of the poses and one which I have mastered to perfection. In fact, as soon as I am done posting this--I am going right back into that position!

I hope this has helped explain the complexity and simplicity and otherwise insanity of the ever-changing popularity and disparity of YOGA!

By the way, I hope you can truly appreciate the dedication and sacrifice I went through to type out this post for you--as I was in this position the entire time:

This is the 'Master Blogger Advanced Posting As An Eagle' stance. And it takes SOME DOING--let me tell you! I had to remount my monitor, disable the spell check, and place my mouse between my teeth--and that was all before I even logged on to the computer!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Are ya hungry?

Hey! I decided to post something today that I thought was REALLY COOL!

These pictures, believe it or not--were all created with REAL FOOD! The pictures are AMAZING. . . and I am going to post all of them separately so you can see the detail--but they are also in the really cool slideshow above as well. . .

They say you are what you eat. . .

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. . .

These pictures are totally edible and probably thousands of calories--but who cares! Enjoy and try to refrain from drooling on your keyboard!

Oh--and if you want to note the detail--just click on the pictures to make them larger.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Best Buy. . . . yeah right!

What's in a name, anyway? Well, with 'Best Buy' you would at least think you would get stuff at DARN GOOD prices, am I right?

Not so with this store---and I am on a RANT about this one let me tell you!

My youngest son and I decided to go to the 'Grand Opening' of the new Best Buy that opened up near our house yesterday. And to say that the place was crowded would be not only an understatement, it would be insulting to the very word!


This 'Best Buy Grand Opening' was akin to the grand opening of IKEA in our fair city---which caused massive riots, clogged freeways and byways for days due to the folks who DESPERATELY NEEDED simple furniture at reasonable prices. They camped out on the streets, alleyways and backwoods roads leading to the store for WEEKS ahead of time.

But I digress. . .

Let's just say the store was mobbed and we found that the prices were not only bordering outrageous--they completely passed up ludicrous and landed squarely on 'There is no way on God's green earth I would pay so much for this thing'. In other words, 'Best Buy' had to be an antonym, or someone's sick and twisted idea of a joke.

My son, undaunted and with money to burn in his pocket, picked out a wireless internet adapter for his X-Box 360 and some other odds and ends and then we had to wait in the 1.6 mile line that snaked around the store. . . Meanwhile I am checking out these other customers and their purchases and note that nearly every 3rd person had a 'Wii' in their basket--which made me silently smile and wish I had taken out stock in Nintendo.

To make a long, boring story short--as we neared the end of the line where the cashiers were tallying up the total purchases for folks, I noticed that nearly everyone was as smart as me and had brought their 10% off Grand Opening discount coupon that they got in the mail. . . and were TRYING to use it on their purchases to no avail. It was making me nervous if we really would get some semblance of a 'best buy' out of this day or not. . .

Here are some of the attempts I overheard:

Attempt #1:

Best Buy Cashier: That will be 796.53 please.

Customer: I have this 10% off coupon (hands coupon to cashier)

Best Buy Cashier: Uh, sorry sir that coupon is no good for these purchases.

Customer: But it's marked with today's date and my purchases total over 100 dollars--so I clearly should get 10% off, right?

Best Buy Cashier: Well, it's not quite that simple. See--you bought a Bose speaker system.

Customer: Yeah, so?

Best Buy Cashier: Well those are the best in the industry--and they are excluded from the 10% discount. See here, in the fine print? It lists all the products and conditions this does not include. (pulls out a magnifying glass and points to the offending word) BOSE is clearly marked, right THERE!

Customer: Well what about the digital camera? That's still over 100 dollars. Can I get 10% off that?

Best Buy Cashier: You could if it was the 3rd Tuesday of the month. But today is Saturday. (flips the coupon over to the backside and points out where digital cameras are on a 10% discount only the 3rd Tuesday of the month)

Customer: But this coupon expires in 2.7 days---so it won't be available for use by the 3rd Tuesday!

Best Buy Cashier: I know. Sorry--you have to pay full price. Have a nice day--and thanks for shopping Best Buy!

I was getting a bit MORE worried when I heard this next attempt. . . and so my son and I began putting our heads together, bending over the coupon and screening carefully to make sure that we qualified for SOMETHING.

Attempt #2:

Best Buy Cashier: That will be 198.74 for your items today.

Hopeful customer: (handing a sweaty discount coupon to the cashier) I have this 10% off coupon?

Best Buy Cashier: You have 2 Sony items in with your purchase. As long as you are buying Sony there will be no 10% discount given. Please read the massive list of items not included at the bottom of the coupon.

Becoming irritated customer: But the list of NOT included items is 10 times larger than the INCLUDED items!

Best Buy Cashier: I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. . .Thanks for shopping Best Buy!

My son and I were NOT going to go down without a fight. . . it was the principle of the thing--we pour over the discount coupon and frantically study our collective brains out when we overhear the customer just ahead of us.

Attempt #3:

Customer: (this guy sounded like he was trying to cover all the bases too) I have 3 items totaling over 100.00. I am not purchasing any 'top of the line' products. These are all 'off brands' and stuff that no one has heard of before. According to this 10% discount coupon I have, my external hardrive, memory card, and USB cable should all be covered under your computer components category. (He places all 3 items neatly on the counter and hands over the discount coupon)

The Best Buy Cashier pauses for a moment and carefully looks over the items, while scanning the discount coupon with a jeweler's croupier. The rest of us still waiting in line, watching this drama unfold were becoming quite heartened as we thought this gentleman just might pull it off and get his discount. . . But alas! It was not to be.

Best Buy Cashier: Aha! See this line second from the bottom? You cannot have a memory card and USB cable purchase WITH a hardrive purchase. It voids the coupon.

Customer: (not to be thwarted) OK--well. How about if you ring the cable and memory card up separately--and just give me the 10% discount on the hardrive?

Best Buy Cashier: But that would make your purchase UNDER 100.00. Items have to total over 100.00. The hardrive is on sale for 99.99. So no coupon discount for you!

Customer: Are you kidding?

Best Buy Cashier: (brightening up) I could ring it up at the regular price of 189.99 and give you the 10 discount if you like.

Customer: No thanks. Just ring it up at the sale price and forget the coupon.

Best Buy Cashier: OK then. Thanks for shopping Best Buy!

Now it was my turn. . . Oh boy!

Me: (smiling brightly and placing my son's items on the counter brand name down so the cashier wouldn't see) I see you are batting 1000 today on not honoring the Grand Opening Discount Coupons.

Best Buy Cashier: Well, if folks would just read all the items not included and the times and dates they are only good for, there wouldn't be so many problems.

Me: It must really be wearing you out.

Best Buy Cashier: (weakening and warming up to me, ringing the items up) It is a strain.

Me: How many have actually gotten away with it today?

Best Buy Cashier: Gotten away with what?

Me: Actually getting a 10% discount off their purchase.

Best Buy Cashier: Not very many, I can tell you that! And none from ME today--that's for sure!

Me: (beginning to hate this guy) Good for you! So, let's see. My items only total 100.99. . . I guess I won't be getting any discount either.

Best Buy Cashier: Oh yes you will! See--the coupon says items must total OVER 100.00 and yours DOES by 99 cents!

Me: Imagine that! But I'm sure that X-Box 360 wireless network adapter has GOT to be a banned brand name of some kind.

Best Buy Cashier: Oh it is! Microsoft is a big brand name that we normally are forbidden to discount---but this item DOES fall within the wireless computer adaptor components. So you're getting the discount, stop arguing with me!

Me: You don't say? Really you are too kind. (I hastily thrust the bagged, discounted merchandise into my bewildered son's hands and start to exit)

Best Buy Cashier: Not so fast!

Me: (thinking that now I have been caught and will have to pay the piper for sure) Yes?

Best Buy Cashier: I'm gonna give you another discount coupon for the next time you visit. This coupon is good only on every 3rd Thursday and only for selected merchandise which is explained in vivid detail in a very small font on the back--and only if you shop between the hours of 1:00 p.m. to 2: 15 p.m. We give these to our very special customers and I want you to take it. (presses discount coupon firmly into my hand)

Me: Wow! Thanks for letting me shop at Best Buy!

My son and I exit the store but not before we deposit the newly given discount coupon in the trash receptacle by the exit door. We notice that the receptacle is nearly FILLED with similar coupons from previous customers. . .

Arrrrgh! I was so irritated by the time I got home. . . I mean, WHY BOTHER?

All I can say again is BEST BUY??? Yeah, right!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

For the love of Wii

Now, I mean no disrespect to Wii fans. . . because after all, I was suckered in by the 'it's not just a video game. . . it's an active experience' hard sell too!

And yes! Our family bought the Wii when it first came out over a year ago. . . (We actually DID work up a sweat to the Wii Boxing--but only after we dropped the controllers and actually started 'going at it'!!)

Anyway---I come from a fitness background and worked in the fitness industry for nearly 25 years. . . so I busted a GUT laughing when I saw this new Wii toy--promoted as 'fitness' for our kids. . . (and busting a gut can give you a nice six-pack look, by the way)

Even though I am becoming a Rock Goddess on the Wii's Guitar Hero--I think I will give this new 'Wii Fit Thingy' a miss. . .

However--if you want a good work out for your abdominal muscles by laughing--just play the little parody video I found on Youtube for this latest and greatest invention from Nintendo. . .

And Wii fans--please don't get upset. . . get fit!

Monday, March 3, 2008

And I thought we were competitive!

Well, well, well!

I'll have you know I come from a VERY competitive family. Games around our house are like championship bouts in extreme world competitions. . . (and that's only when we're playing 'Go Fish')

IF we ratch it up a notch to a an actual 'contact sport'--you need to have the paramedics on standby--because even some of our friendly table tennis games have ended up in the emergency room.

I thought we had the corner on the market when it comes to 'friendly competitions'.

I thought I had seen everything!

I thought maybe we were just a bit over zealous.

Then I saw THIS! And now I feel better. We are apparently normal after all!

AND we have decided to forgo playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' in Japan.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Boy vs. dog. . .

OK. . . my middle son who is currently out of the country WAY up north. . . (Norway to be exact) wanted me to post a slide show of his beloved dog. . . oh yeah, and his brother too.

He seems to be 'waxing nostalgic' for his dog right now. (and perhaps his younger brother)

So for middle son's (as well as your) enjoyment. . . I have put together a little slide show which I will entitle: BOY VERSES DOG

My youngest son was only too happy to get into an 'altercation' with the dog--as he loves 'playing' with him--which mostly consists of teasing and tormenting.

You can decide for yourself who wins. . . The dog is 14 years old--and the boy is 16 years old (but is on the same mental level as the dog--so it seems to be a pretty even match)

Just push PLAY and watch the little show. . . ENJOY!