Under Construction. . .Part Deux

Whoooboy!

This 'home improvement' thingy we've started has become a REAL MONEY PIT and then some.

It was just supposed to be a simple getting rid of the sliding glass door in our family room and walling it in and replacing it with a door and window. . . and getting a new stove because the one I have been using for the past decade has only ONE reliable burner that works. . .

But after getting a BEAUTIFUL flat top stove and seeing how dismal my old oven looked next to it---that had to be replaced too! (besides the oven was VERY temperamental and would either burn everything to a crisp--or leave things ready for the frozen tundra). . .

With the new appliances going in. . . the kitchen cabinets somehow DID NOT look right--so those had to be replaced. . . and after seeing the cabinets. . .well, the counter tops were just PATHETIC! So of course, you can't have counter tops installed without getting a FABULOUS new sink to go along with them. . . and then, of course my back splash had to be retiled. . . and the windowsills redone to match. . . and the wainscoting had to ALSO match. . . and new window treatments put in. . . and now we can't have the same kitchen table and chairs after all that effort. . . and the lighting is inadequate---and well. . . the list keeps going on and on and on. . .

And of course, when stuff starts coming out and new stuff going in. . . (why didn't we just gut the entire thing and start from scratch? It would have been so much easier) anyway--when workmen start digging into the bowels and guts of your home--all kinds of problems seem to crop up that just HAVE to be addressed replaced, remodeled, refurbished and refinanced.



Case in point. . . after pulling out the old stove and oven and buying brand spankin' new ones to put in, my contractor tells me that he is going to have to call an electrician in because we just don't have enough 'juice' to run these newfangled models. . . (GREAT! How much is THAT gonna cost?)

So the electrician comes over and takes one look at our circuit breaker box in the garage and starts laughing hysterically for ten minutes straight. I had to hose him off and towel dry him--he wet himself laughing so hard.

Me: What's the problem?

Electrician: I haven't seen a breaker box like this since ole' Tommy Edison invented the light bulb. (Starts snickering again)

Me: I take it you are trying to tell me these 'circuits' are inadequate to power up my new cook top and oven?

Electrician: Ma'am, you are one circuit away from having an entire meltdown. And I don't wanna be around when she's gonna blow.

Me: (Resignedly) Is there anything you can do?

Electrician: They don't call me Electric Mike for nuthing!

Me: (Flabbergasted) They call you Electric Mike?

Electrician: Not really. That was kinda a joke.

Me: (not impressed) Fine. What is the problem, and what can you do about it.

Electrician: Well, see--this is an older home--and they didn't build many breaker switches back in them days. You have WAY too many things powering all on the same circuits. . . and there's no room to add anything else. They didn't count on folks adding a kiln in their storage room or a distillery in their tool shed and. . .

Me: (interrupting) Wait a minute! We don't have a kiln in our storage room or a distillery in our tool shed.

Electrician: Well--you COULD do that after I get through rewiring your electricity and putting in a new breaker box.

Me: (intrigued--thinking of the possibilities) Really?

Electrician: You betcha! They don't call me Lightning Bolt Electric Mike fer nuthin!

Me: They call you Lightning Bolt Electric Mike?

Electrician: Well, no---but I wish they would.

Me: Well aside from adding a kiln and a distillery---will I be able to work my new stove and oven?

Electrician: Shore thing!

Me: And if you put in new breaker switches, will that free up some of the space so I can do other things?

Electrician: Shore will. I'm gonna rewire a TON of stuff for you. What do you have in mind?

Me: Well. . . will I be able to work the space heater in my office while someone is blow-drying their hair upstairs in the bathroom?

Electrician: (Belly-laughing) You mean, you can't do that now?

Me: No--not without popping a circuit breaker.

Electrician: (Holding his heaving sides) I can fix that.

Me: And when I have the Christmas lights on--can I use the microwave?

Electrician: (about to go into convulsions) You can't do that either?

Me: No--I have to turn off the tree lights in the living room AND the outside lights before using the microwave or we end up in total darkness and a weird smell comes out of the electrical outlets. (but it's only seasonal--so we are used to it)

Electrician: (smiling like the Cheshire cat) I can certainly fix that.

Me: Can I have the patio lights on and run the dishwasher while my son is on the computer?

Electrician: (Falling on the floor and starting to roll around) What, are you kidding me? What the heck else can't you do? No, wait a minute. Don't tell me. I might go into shock. But I can fix ALL of that. You will be able to light every room in the house while drying your clothes, running the dishwasher, microwaving popcorn with BOTH TVs on, drying your hair next to the space heater, cooking and baking with a load of clothes going in the dryer if you want!

Me: (getting really excited) STOP! You had me at having the lights on while watching TV. I'm sold. I don't care how much it costs--just do it. DO IT NOW!

Electrician: (self-satisfied grin on his face) I knew it! And I'll get right on it as soon as I can. . . They don't call me Slippery eel Quick Silver Lightning Bolt Electric Mike fer nuthin!

Me: I bet they DO call you Slippery eel--so when can you start?

Electrician: Give me a couple of weeks and I'll call you and pencil you in. Meanwhile, I'll rig up some sort of beaut that will let you use your new appliances without incinerating the house.

Me: I'd appreciate that. . .

Ohhhhhhhhh. . . . Dear Hubby is gonna KILL ME for sure. (but hey! Maybe I can lure him with thoughts of a new kiln and distillery)


You never know when those are gonna come in handy!