TiVo Madness. . . and boy, am I MAD!

OK folks. . . here's the deal. I try to be as 'up to date' as the next person and let me just say from the start that I was THRILLED when my children all chipped in together and got the ole' man and I a TiVo for Christmas. . .

What with all the comings and goings at our house after Christmas--and the fact that I was a bit hesitant to start up a learning curve on a new toy--I didn't actually open up the TiVo box and try to set it up until this past Saturday. Dear Hubby and youngest son were home and at the ready to help me. . . so I felt this would be a fun project for a Saturday night. . .

BOY WAS I WRONG!

My dear daughter had showed me her TiVo and all the cool programming features--and told me how SUPER EASY it was for her dear hubby to set up. (in under 30 minutes) AND that if I ran into problems, there were such nice, friendly TiVo staff waiting at the other end of a phone call. . .

So ever hopeful and armed with POSITIVE THOUGHTS--youngest son and I opened up the box and began our crazy journey. And actually we got the TiVo all set up. As I was scrolling through the menu, answering all the appropriate questions, I came to this one where it asked if you see video in the background. I was not paying attention and I accidentally clicked 'yes' (when in reality there was no video in the background) so I tried to scroll back--and the remote wouldn't let me do it. So before I did anything else wrong---I called up the 'friendly TiVo customer service people' to see if they could tell me what the problem was.

TiVo Gal: Hi! This is your friendly TiVo person. What can I help you with?

Me: I am having a problem either with my TiVo or the remote. You see, I got it set up and . . .

TiVo Gal: (cutting in) How old is your TV?

Me: How old is my TV? Isn't that kind of a personal question?

TiVo Gal: (not getting the humor) Do you have a really old TV or something? Is that what this is about?

Me: Well, it's about 7 years old, but it works just fine and what I wanted to ask you was. . .

TiVo Gal: GOOD GRIEF! A TV that's SEVEN YEARS OLD??? No wonder you are having problems. Let me talk you through the process and see if you hooked it up properly.

Me: Uhh. . . OK

TiVo Gal: Did you use the splitter for your cable box? Did you hook the. . .

Me: (interrupting) I don't have a cable box.

TiVo Gal: Don't fool yourself! You've GOT to have a cable box for a 7 year old TV. Now follow these instructions and I will help you connect your TiVo properly.

So we proceed to BUILD some sort of 'cable box' and while my youngest son had to strip the cables from his game system to hook up to all the splitters, my poor hubby was trying to connect the mobile phone to the routers, the grafters to the bailing wire, the hefters to the TV, then to the the TiVo and back again. . .

After nearly an hour of removing wires and parts and adding new ones according to TiVo gal--she says:

TiVo Gal: It sounds about right now. Turn it on and tell me what you see.

Me: Uh. . . We can't get the TV to work now.

TiVo Gal: Is it turned on?

Me: Yes it's turned on. The TiVo is turned on too--but the screen is totally blank. Nothing works now. (I was becoming sort of upset.)

TiVo Gal: But you have to admit you have a lovely cable box now, right?

Me: Hey--what I was trying to ask you in the first place was. . .

TiVo Guy: Hi, this is TiVo Guy. TiVo Gal transferred you over to me and says you are not being very helpful and she can't figure out what your problem is.

Me: She never let me state what my problem was.

TiVo Guy: Just CALM DOWN. There is no need to panic. I am going to ask you really simple questions and all I want you to do is give me very simple answers.

Me: OK

TiVo Guy: Don't try to be funny. Don't add anything else than the answer I am looking for. And please, just CALM DOWN.

Me: (starting to get a TAD annoyed at TiVo Guy--I say nothing)

TiVo Guy: Now, in your own words--what do you think the problem is?

Me: Well, I hooked up the TiVo and when I got to the menu part, there was this screen that came up and. . .

TiVo Guy: Now you are rambling. How old is your TV?

Me: It's 7 years old, but why do you--

TiVo Guy: Tut! Tut! Tut! That's good enough. Let's go with that right there. So you have this really old, decrepit TV. Do you have a cable box?

Me: Well, I didn't before tonight--but the other person helped me and my family build one--so yeah, I guess I do.

TiVo Guy: You really aren't helping matters at all. First you DON'T have one--then you DO have one. Look, I want to help you but you are going to have to be more cooperative. If you DO have a cable box--just GET RID OF IT RIGHT NOW. You don't need it. Throw it OUT!

Me: You have got to be kidding.

TiVo Guy: Do I sound like I'm kidding? NO CABLE BOX. We can hook you up without one. But you are going to have to start over and do everything I say in the order I say it--OK?

I look at Dear Hubby who is reaching for the screwdriver to plunge into his neck, and youngest son who is retreating to his room. I scan the piles of cable, routers, splitters, chewers, bailing wire, adapters, shafters, antennas, and what was left of our TV and as politely as I can through gritted teeth say:

Me: No thank you. I think I can do this myself and how about if I run into any trouble or have a simple question, I give you a call back?

TiVo Guy: That's what we're here for! You got any problems or questions--just give us a call. And above all else--PLEASE REMAIN CALM.

The phone conversation ended, whereupon dear hubby and youngest son and I ripped that TiVo out so fast, (along with the makeshift cable box) and put the TV back the way it was. . . and viola! Once again it worked!

First thing Monday morning I call and cancel the the TiVo service I signed up for.

The customer service guy was so surprised that I canceled service only after two days!

He asks me: What went wrong? How come you didn't like the service? Why weren't you happy? Could you please tell me the reason you used the service for such a short time? I've NEVER heard of a person using TiVo for only TWO days before, for crying out loud! Why didn't you call someone to help you, if you were having any trouble? We have such nice, friendly staff to help with ANY question and problem, and if you only would have called they would have talked you through a very simple process. . .

I just smiled over the phone and told him: Just cancel my service and PLEASE REMAIN CALM!

He did. (at least the cancel my service part--I have no idea how 'calm' he was) Then I hung up, went down to my local cable company and arranged for them to come out and bring me a DVR and set it up for me. No problem! No 'simple process'! And they didn't even ask me how old my TV was! (I'm sure my TV really appreciates it!)

Sorry. . . but I'm just NOT impressed with the TiVo people.

Catchy name! Cute icon. LOUSY SERVICE!