Stuck on the roof. . .

I could just have easily have entitled this post:  'Why I am like a cat'. . . but I'm not really a big cat fan and I really don't feel I have much in common with cats--with this one exception.

I totally get how a cat can get stuck up in a tree.  And after my latest episode--my husband finally gets it too.

Here's the story.  Hubby decides it's time to clean out the rain gutters and overhangs up on our two-story home roof--before the winter storms start coming and dumping more rain, leaves, and snow up there.

And since none of our little kiddlets live at home any more (we've recently become 'empty nesters' but more on that later) he calls upon ME to go up on the roof with him to hold the ladder.  (This is for the roof top UP ON TOP of the roof top)

Now everyone in my family knows that I am a bit 'phobic' about heights.  Especially when I am out in the open  and dealing with vertical challenges.  Flying in an airborne contraption is fine, looking out of tall building widows, or standing on mountain tops where my feel are on solid ground is fine--going it alone up a rock face, tree top, or roof is a bit more than I can handle---something about EDGES and falling off makes me a bit FREAKED OUT. . . .

And as both my husband and I learned--it's not the going UP that's the problem. . . it's the coming DOWN!

Soooooo I asked this man who has known me for over 32 years---Why in the world would I want to go up on the roof?

He makes this ridiculous statement:  'Because you've done it before.'

Me: What are you talking about?  In what life did I ever go up on the roof with you?

Him:  Oh--just a few years back, we did the same thing.  You went up on the roof with me and held the ladder while I cleaned out the rain gutters.

Me:  No dear, you are wrong.  You've always had one of the kids go up there with you.

Him:  Nope!  Not one of the kids.  It was a woman--it was you.

So now I'm thinking what a clever man.  Who the heck was he having a tryst with up on the roof?  (after all, it's the one place in the house I would never go)  This bozo has got some explaining to do.

He is absolutely reassuring me that I will be just fine--that I've done this before.  And I guess in my bewildered state--and the fact that there was no one else to go up with him--I climb up on to the roof with him and hold the ladder while he goes up on the second roof.

I think it only took 15 minutes or so for him to do whatever the heck he was doing--but by the time he came back down all smiles and pronounced: 'All done'  I was thoroughly panicked.  I think I may have started hissing and spitting like a cat.

In any case, I was NOT about to come down the extension ladder that I came up on.  It was not going to happen.  I figured armed with a sleeping bag, a tarp, and the phone number to Domino's Pizza, I could live out the rest of my days up here.

That's when it dawned on my husband that quite possibly his wife had in reality NEVER BEEN UP ON THE ROOF BEFORE and by all that is holy, how the snot was he supposed to get her down?

He was apologizing profusely and coaxing me with all kinds of things like opened cans of tuna and fresh caught fish (which had worked on the neighborhood cats) to get me down from the roof.  But it wasn't working.  In fact even access to every one of his investments and IRA accounts (which I already had) was also a 'no go.'

I calmly asked him to just go ahead and call the fire department and get one of those well built men to come in one of their big honkin' trucks with the little 'bucket thingys' and I would consider coming down by that route.

In retrospect my husband was using every trick known to man on how to get a 'mad-as-all-get-out cat down from the tree' ploy.  Here are the guidelines in detail:

· 1

 Avoid mass panic. Given time and privacy, the cat will likely find a way down on her own. (Exceptions are if the cat is injured or if she has a leash wrapped around her neck; go to step 4 in those instances.)  

Hubby did manage to avoid mass panic--but had I HAD a leash--it would have been wrapped around HIS neck upon coming down and he darn well knew it.

·  2

If several hours have passed, try to lure the cat down by opening a can of her favorite food underneath the tree. Call out her name in a calm, reassuring voice.

Fortunately it didn't take hours and the food piling up on the back porch was getting ridiculous.  Besides I was getting quite embarrassed of neighbors possibly learning every pet name this man could think  to call me.

·  3

Lean a wooden ladder up against the tree near the cat so she can climb down. Leave her alone with the ladder for at least 15 minutes so she can climb down on her own.

Well, folks the ladder was already leaning up against the roof.  That's how I got up there in the first place.  And truth be told, I think my husband was afraid of leaving me alone in my sorry state.  I don't know what he thought would be worse.  Leaving me up on the roof--or getting me down from the roof with access to his neck and other soft tissue.

·  4

If the cat is too freaked out to use the ladder, put on work gloves and a thick coat to protect yourself and climb up the ladder to retrieve her. Make sure the ladder is stable before you climb it.

This had already been done, since we were working in cold, windy weather conditions.  But my husband managed to don a pair of work goggles --just so I couldn't spit in his eyes.

·  5

Grab the cat by the nape of the neck to reduce your chances of getting scratched and to induce calmness in the cat.

When my husband came back up the ladder to grab my hands (or the nape of my neck) and try and use gentle coaxing to get me to come back down--he knew this trick would not work either.  One look at my face told him that he might want to keep his hands to himself unless he was willing to lose body parts.

·  6

If your efforts only send the cat farther up the tree, call an animal shelter. A professional animal handler can rescue the cat quite quickly.

This was actually considered--but then I somewhat came back to my senses and realized that I did NOT want my 15 minutes of fame to be splayed on the local 6 o'clock news as 'Weird Women Rescued Off Own Roof'.  I also realized that the chances of the 'animal shelter rescue man' resembling Antonio Banderas or any hunky, good looking stud-muffin were slim to none. . . so I needed to get down from the roof and fantasize indoors where it was warmer.

After what seemed like an eternity--I ever so slowly and shakily came down the ladder--OF MY OWN FREE WILL and  made it back to solid ground.  And yes, my husband is still alive as well--if that's what you were wondering.

But I don't think he will be inviting me up on the roof with him anytime soon. . .